Thas riiiiight! The one thing we need is humor.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail; and, because of his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. So this made him...what????
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis...
That's pretty rich. Now, who will be our resident Darth BoBo?
"INSIDE EVERY PROGRESSIVE IS A TOTALITARIAN SCREAMING TO GET OUT" - David Horowitz
After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arkansas man said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ...
(C'mon - don't make me do all the work.)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
Quote:So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.WmL
You mean that they do that in the Ozarks, just like in Appalachia?
Speaking of incest.
This couple from Brison City, NC, got married and went over the mountains to Gattlinberg for their honeymoon. The next week, the young man's Papa saw him and went over to see how the honeymoon went.
The son, full of pain, told him that he had to shoot her. Pa was taken back, and shouted out, "What-Cha go do that fer'?"
The son, blurted out, "cause she were a virgin, Pa."
the Papa stepped back, thought for a minute,and then a big smile crossed his face. He slapped his son on his back and said, "You done good son. Any woman wern't good nuf' for her own kin, ain't good nuf' fer ourn'."
"INSIDE EVERY PROGRESSIVE IS A TOTALITARIAN SCREAMING TO GET OUT" - David Horowitz
When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
When you rearrange the letters: "disgusting"'s Agent
When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em
When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two:
When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (With no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERN
Bill - I don't hear the Bobo lisp - youth muth obay me, darth Bobo, Chode!
Your thex thalve is mine, do youth hear me now?
That's how our own Bobo musth thpeak! Thaths than order!
What is the answer to this riddle posed by the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland, that was said in the book to have no answer: "How is a raven like a writing desk?"
My answer is that a writing desk has feather pens, while a raven has pin feathers.
This was sent to me by my sister-in-law:
A Scene at City Hall in San Francisco
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can
express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"
What happened to the coffee bean that got in trouble?
It got Grounded!!!!!!!!!!!
hahah.....ahhemmmm.....sorry...kinda got carried away there.
I know......it was corney, but I had to tell it.
Here's something worthy of Darth Bobo that someone recently sent me:
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding. (Picture, if you will, Zsa Zsa Gabor.)
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
From late night:
U.S. forces in Iraq were very busy today. Not only fighting but giving other coalition troops rides to the airport.
How about our good friend Spain? Could they have run any faster? Apparently the Baghdad Hilton has express checkout.
The Dominican Republic has pulled its 300 soldiers out of Iraq. I didnât know they had an army, did you? The only Dominicans Iâve ever seen in uniform are playing for the Yankees.
Spain has withdrawn its troops, or troop from Iraq. The new prime minister said that putting Spanish citizens in Iraq was senseless and dangerous. Unlike running with the bulls.
Bill Clintonâs memoir which is coming out in June is called "My Lifeâ. Itâs an oral history.
They say it should be a good read even for people who are unfamiliar with Bill Clinton. You know like Hillary.
"I detest the man who hides one thing in the depths of his heart and speaks forth another"
Okay, Murdok, re. the Darth Bobo lisp:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Couldn't understand PHENOMENAL (PAOMNNEHAL) of course they misspelled it (extra A instead of an E)
BTW, I went back and spell checked this after the spelling cow was added to the forums and it now has Mad Cow Disease! The first word it said was wrong was "Murdock!"
I had trouble with the word "Phenomenal" too, the only word I had to puzzle over for a while. Since it was misspelled, with one of the "E's" changed to an "A," I suspect that indicates that our subconscious minds are rearranging the letters for us into the correct words. So it is not entirely true that everything is OK as long as the first and last letters are right. All the right letters have to be there, too.
I wonder if dyslexics would be able to read this paragraph with the same ease.
Know Your State Motto
Alabama: Why,Yes'mm, We DOES Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Ever'thang
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda - OR - Cereal Land: Home To Fruits, Nuts and Flakes.
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: We're Weak, Old, Slow, Blind and Deaf But At Least We Still Drive
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little Else
Nebraska: The Tornado State
Nevada: Illegal? Something's illegal?
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: 100 Years Of Artists Making Money From Sun-Baked Rocks And Cactus
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is A Vegetable
North Dakota: A Great Place To Visit If We Ever Thaw
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Biggest State In The Union - When Alaska Melts
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin: Come And Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming: Where The Heck Am I?
Now I think these are fine, but in need of updates - For instance, for Michigan, my home state, we have to question the motto since the RedWings are out of the playoffs again. I don't think our defense is up to speed. I agree with our State Flower being orange barrels, though.
Disclaimer: I was born in MI, but have lived in OH most of my life. OSU Grad, so I have a textbook case of self hate.
What keeps Ohio and Michigan together? Michigan sucks.
Q: What's the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q: How many University of Michigan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.
Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: On the University of Michigan campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.
Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.
Q: Why don't University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up.
A University of Michigan fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."
Q: Did you hear about the University of Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.
Q: Why do University of Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Two University of Michigan fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do. The first University of Michigan fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it." The first University of Michigan fan asks, "Why not?" The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Michigan campus?
A: The officials had to check ID's before letting anyone back on board.
Q: What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a University of Michigan?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: What should you do if you find three University of Michigan fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish." The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war." The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?" After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."
Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.
Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
You really know how to make friends with the management, don't you? :lol:
"INSIDE EVERY PROGRESSIVE IS A TOTALITARIAN SCREAMING TO GET OUT" - David Horowitz
JM0397, I'm a Michigander, and I think your jokes are hilarious. But then, I did not attend the University of Michigan. Two of my brothers did, however. Neither of them married women they met at college.
I always thought the biggest joke on Ohio State was the fact that for many years, the franchise outlet for Domino's Pizza next to the OSU football stadium was secretly owned by Michigan football head coach Bo Schembeckler. The fact wasn't revealed until after Schembeckler retired. It was Tom Monaghan's and Bo's little private joke for over a decade.
To those who wonder at the rivalry between UM and OSU - it is every bit as outrageous as jm0397 makes it seem. UM and MSU are natural in state rivals - but does not come close to UM vs. OSU.
There is a club of Michigan and Ohioan Korean soldiers who get together every year around the big game and try to outdo each other's last try at hosting the big event. My wife and I and her parents were invited along with this group one year and it was hilarious. The Ohioans were set up in some wierd hotel and the gifts and party favors and food were all donated or freebies. Olson Toilet seat company was one of the big sponsors if you want to follow the drift. For the trip we all climbed into an old Hamtramck school bus. Half the bus was decorated in maize and blue and the other half in scarlet and gray. The Ann Arbor crowds grew silent as we passed. Hamtramck needed some explanation I guess.
Bo beat Woody that day. Fun, fun times.
What kind of family values would Kerry bring to the White House?
In honor of The rivalry, we continue:
Northeast Blackout, the Sobig Virus, and SARS Are All Traced to Ohio
Q: How many players did Jim Tressel dress for the Buckeyes' last game?
A: 22. The rest dressed themselves.
Q: What's the difference between a Buckeye fan and a baby?
A: Eventually the baby stops whining.
After Ohio State head football coach Jim Tressel dies and enters the pearly gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Jim a little two bedroom house with a faded O.S.U. banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Coach. Most people don't get their own house up here", God says. Jim looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one setting on top of the hill. It's a huge two story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. Michigan flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Michigan banner hangs between the marble columns. "Thanks for the house, God. But, let me ask you a question. I get this little two bedroom house with a faded O.S.U. banner and Lloyd Carr gets a mansion with new Michigan banners flying all over the place. "Why is that?" God looks at him seriously for a moment and says, "Carr is not dead, that's my house!"
Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Columbus?
A: Ann Arbor: 187 Miles
Q: What do you get when you put 32 Buckeye cheerleaders in one room?
A: full set of teeth
Q: What are the longest three years of an OSU football player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!" Seeing this the UM grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Maize and Blue!" and pushed the Buckeye off the side of the mountain.
Ohio State Lantern Report: Football practice in Collumbus was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Jim Tessel immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
Q: What did the Ohio State graduate say to the Michigan graduate?
A: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"
Two boys are playing football at a park in Ann Arbor, Michigan, when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.
A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy, "I'll title it 'Young Wolverine Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal'".
"But I'm not a Wolverine fan." the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we're in Ann Arbor, Michigan, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again. He asks "How does 'Spartan Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack' sound?"
"I'm not a Spartan fan either, " the boy says.
"Oh, I thought everyone in Michigan was either for the Wolverines or the Spartans. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Ohio State Buckeyes fan," the boy replies. "They're the best."
The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard From Ohio Kills Beloved Family Pet."
A man walks into a store and says, "I would like a red hat, red pants, grey sweater, and black shoes." The clerk says, "Are you a Buckeye fan?" "Yes," replies the man, "How did you guess--by the color combination?" "No," answers the clerk, "this is a hardware store."
Q: How many pallbearers would be needed for a OSU alumni funeral?
A: Two. A garbage can only has two handles.
Maurice Clarett was sitting in remedial English. The professor asks, "What comes after the sentence?"
His answer, "The appeal."
A Buckeye and Spartan fan were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The Buckeye fan said, "I think theyâre deer tracks!"
The Spartan fan said, "I think theyâre dog tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
There's a OSU student driving from Columbus to Ann Arbor,and a U of M student driving from Ann Arbor to Columbus. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Buckeye manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive! "Likewise the Wolverine scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Buckeye walks over to the Wolverine and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.
"The Wolverine thinks for a moment and says, "You know,you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck. So the Wolverine pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Buckeyen, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship. The Buckeye says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Buckeye hands it back to the Wolverine and says, "Your turn!" The Wolverine twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
Q: What do students from OSU and UofM have in common?
A: They were both accepted into OSU.
Q: Did you hear about the student who flunked out of UofM and then went to OSU?
A: He raised the standards of both schools.
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey barkeep, did you ever hear the one about the Ohio State Buckeyes?"
Four huge men stand up and approach the man. One of them says, "We play football at OSU, you wanna tell that joke to us?"
The guy replies, "What? And have to explain it four times?"
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy! I want to be a Buckeye when I grow up!"
Mom answers, "Now Johnny, you know you can't do both."