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Darth Bobo's Jokes Thread
Admittedly, Weber does get a bit tedious in his telling of the Safehold story. But I still am intrigued by how it is all going to shake out. Will the forces of technology finally win out? Will they advance quickly enough that they will be able to defeat the bad guys the ancestors fled from once they find them?
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(09-17-2016, 09:52 PM)Ron Lambert Wrote: Admittedly, Weber does get a bit tedious in his telling of the Safehold story. But I still am intrigued by how it is all going to shake out. Will the forces of technology finally win out? Will they advance quickly enough that they will be able to defeat the bad guys the ancestors fled from once they find them?

Ron, you can tell us all how it comes out when the tedious ending finally arrives. S22
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"INSIDE EVERY PROGRESSIVE IS A TOTALITARIAN SCREAMING TO GET OUT" - David Horowitz

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A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW 24 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the expressway, enjoying pushing the Pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problemQ" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 130mph, then 150mph. Suddenly, he thgought, "What on Earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. It's Christmas. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.
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I just started a company that makes landmines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!


S1
I know you think you understand what you thought I said,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant!
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(02-18-2017, 05:51 PM)JohnWho Wrote: I just started a company that makes landmines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!


S1

I'll bet you they can really get high from that. S6
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"INSIDE EVERY PROGRESSIVE IS A TOTALITARIAN SCREAMING TO GET OUT" - David Horowitz

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There was a strange drone coming from behind the wooden wall of the Insane Asylum. As Homer came closer to a knothole that had fallen out and left a small hole, he heard a voice. Coming closer, he heard, "Thirty-seven, thirty-seven, thirty-seven..." he put his ear up against the knothole, and got a finger in his ear. "Thirty-eight, thirty-eight, thirty-eight"

He went back to his car, and saw he had a flat. There was an inmate sitting atop the wall. He took off the tire, got his spare ready, and promptly dropped the four lug nuts down the curb drain. He moaned, "Oh, no! What can I do now? The loon on the wall said, "Take one lug nut from the other three wheels and use them on the spare. That should get you home where you can get a new set." Homer said, "Hey, that's smart! What're you doing in a place like this?" The fence sitter said, "Well, I might be crazy - but I'm not stupid!"
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A former sargeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On his first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence...

The rest of the year went very smoothly.
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A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
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"INSIDE EVERY PROGRESSIVE IS A TOTALITARIAN SCREAMING TO GET OUT" - David Horowitz

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A lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, said, “Your Honor, I’m guilty, but…..there were extenuating circumstances.”

The female Judge said, sarcastically, “I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.”

“Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, “Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?”

I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.” Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?” Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4-inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, “Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.” Then she headed for the door.

“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”

Before I could shout NOOOO! she disappeared.

And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, “maintenance men Extraordinaire” found me…half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite, ‘Hi, how’s it going’ type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, “Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.”

“OK, you take care now,” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.

Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh, I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….”

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said, “Case Dismissed!”


[Image: 53a9cd77bfb0b.png]
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A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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That's a very good one Bill!  S22

Soo, how did he manage to get to the door in the first place?
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"INSIDE EVERY PROGRESSIVE IS A TOTALITARIAN SCREAMING TO GET OUT" - David Horowitz

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Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were longtime members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain’t Stanley.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Stanley.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two assholes.”

“What! Two assholes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two assholes.”
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I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
.We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.
My Dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid:
"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
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S22
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"INSIDE EVERY PROGRESSIVE IS A TOTALITARIAN SCREAMING TO GET OUT" - David Horowitz

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Here us a great cartoon I saw in Facebook that shows why women are so insistent that men remember not to leave the toilet seat up.


.jpg   LeftTheToiletSeatUp.jpg (Size: 26.79 KB / Downloads: 8)
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"In Europe, outlawing automatic weapons is expected to reduce terrorist attacks by 90%"

Why is that?

"Because 9 out of 10 Islamic extremists don’t know how to drive using a manual transmissions."
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
"INSIDE EVERY PROGRESSIVE IS A TOTALITARIAN SCREAMING TO GET OUT" - David Horowitz

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