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Darth Bobo's Jokes Thread
The way this is going on, Gary will have to make an Ohio-Michigan subforum....
Sanders 2020

[Image: kerry_hardy.jpg]
All these jokes are simply great! Only problem is that they are stolen from us Tennessee folks. We used to use them on Florida and Alabama people. :lol:
Have a Gneiss Day!
Ohio and Michigan? Are they still states?

from Jeff who is California dreamin in the winter where it only snows in the mountains.
"I detest the man who hides one thing in the depths of his heart and speaks forth another"
What did you think of the recent ABC two-night movie series, 10.5, Jeff? Did it give you any pause for thought? Cause for concern? Incentive to move back east?
Swimming lessons?
Actually it reminded me that if the right part of California slides into the ocean (ie SF and LA) then we have the opportunity of delivery the state to Bush for the next elections. That and reduced real estate will increase the value of my property.
"I detest the man who hides one thing in the depths of his heart and speaks forth another"
A fiery hell...

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgement. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those....." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

(Note - The state, not the school...)
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
Descartes walked into a bar. The barman asked "Would you like a drink?"
To which Descartes replied "I think not!", and vanished.

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

There are only three kinds of Maths teacher;

The ones who can count, and the ones who can't!

An amish family went to New York and visited all the massive multistorey department stores. They had never left their home before and were spellbound by what they saw.

The father and his son visited a particular store and were fascinated by the lifts , although they did not know what they were or what they did.

"What are those silver things with doors ?" said the son.
"I dont know - lets stand here and watch for a while" said the father.

Shortly an old lady on a zimmer frame struggled up to the lift door, pressed the call button and went in. 30 seconds later the door opened and out stepped a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out wearing a mini skirt and legs up to her armpits.

"Quick !!!" said the father to his son "Go and get your mother! "
"I detest the man who hides one thing in the depths of his heart and speaks forth another"
A magician was walking down that very same street and turned into the bar!
Weird Deaths

Attila the Hun was one of the most notorious villains in history, conquering all of Asia by 450 AD - from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire - by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.  How he died:  He got a nosebleed on his wedding night...  In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico.  Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets.  On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink.  Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice.  He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century, Tycho Brahe's ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.  How he died:  Didn't get to the bathroom in time...  In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over.  Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition - but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started.  He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused.  His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.

Horace Wells pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s.  How he died:  He used anesthetics to commit suicide...  While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform.  In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid.  In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack.  Four days later he was found dead in his cell.  He'd anaesthetised himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.

One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century was Francis Bacon, a statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist; he was even rumoured to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.  How he died:  He stuffed snow into a chicken...  One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used.  Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it.  The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

Jerome Irving Rodale was the founding father of the organic food movement, creator of Organic Farming and Gardening magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.  How he died:  On the "Dick Cavett Show", Rodale discussed the benefits of organic foods...  Rodale bragged, "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver."  He was 72 when he appeared on the show in January 1971.  Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair.  Cause of death: heart attack.  The show was never aired.

Aeschylus was a Greek playwright in 500BC.  Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.  How he died:  An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head...  According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks.  An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

Jim Fixx was the author of the best selling Complete Book of Running, which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.  How he died:  Fixx had a heart attack while jogging...  He was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging.  He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary.  His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked - and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.

Lully, a 16th-century composer, wrote music for the king of France.  How he died:  While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot.  He died of infection


Darth Bobo, the Dark Clown especially likes these: "Yeth, I weally, weally wike thesth inauthpitheous deafths. It'th af ifth I dethined dem myfelfth! Now I tell all my frienth to go thtuff thnow in a chicken!"
Three college men die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the Michigan Wolverine accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the MSU Spartan steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment.

The OSU Buckeye has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on. A supermodel with long eyelashes, blonde, and curvy. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy Buckeye says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The gal says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to and for how long?"
Service Oaths--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my mean Basic Training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

On my first trip home after Basic, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So help me God.

I, Squid, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world. using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.

Air Force
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that.

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times besure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.

Marine Corps
I, state your name, swear...uuhhhh... high-and-tight... cammies...uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH!

So help me Corps.
Sanders 2020

mv, Darth Bobo is looking at you funny... and he has a flower-squirter with him.
[Image: birdboots.jpg]
Woman and child in doctor's office for baby's first checkup...
Doc fusses over baby and says he looks a little undernourished: "Is he breast-fed or on formula?"

When she says, "Breast fed." he orders her to strip to the waist. He closely inspects her breasts, squeezing her nipples and kneading her breasts.

"Well, no wonder he's so under nourished - you're not producing any milk!"

She says, "I'm the grandmother, but I'm glad I took him for this checkup."


Quasimodo died. The new Archdeacon interviewed replacements, but none could coax the beautiful notes from the bells the way the old hunchback had. Finally an armless man came in and said he could get the bells to sing like they did for Quasimodo. To the surprise of the Archdeacon, he ran up to the bells and smashed into them with his face, but making truly beautiful music. The townspeople far below looked up to marvel at the wonder.

Tragically, the unarmed man tripped while running at the bells and fell to his death on the cobblestones below. The townspeople asked the Archdeacon, "Who was that!"

He replied, "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."


The bell ringer's brother shows up and says that for the honor of the family he will have to take over the duties of his poor dead brother. The Archdeacon agrees and watches as this man also smashes his face into the bells making beautiful music.

But alas, he also trips and dies amongst the enthralled townspeople so far below. The townspeople asked the Archdeacon, "Who was that!"

He replied, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Yuck....this was good.
Sanders 2020

[Image: mars_cow_lg.jpg]
This joke from the beautiful lips of Diane Kruger (Helen of Troy):

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile on his face. The egg is frowning and looking frustrated. The egg says, "Guess we answered that question."

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